Q: Hey Kelly, I'm struggling to get over my ex. We still hook up from time to time and have a lot of mutual friends. I desperately want to get back together, but I’m getting mixed signals from him. What do I do?
A: Ah, I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. Navigating post-breakup territory is never easy, especially when there's a mix of emotions involved.
Coming from the (uncomfortably) tiny island of Malta, I also know what it’s like to keep bumping into people you’d rather not see. I confess I’m not really one of those ‘we can still be friends’ types—if we’re broken up, there’s a fundamental reason for it. I don’t want to be friends, I’ve got friends, and it’s probably too painful to stay friends with an ex for at least one-half of that relationship. In this case, it’s you who is suffering while he comes and goes as he pleases.
Continuing to hook up after calling it quits throws a spanner into the works. It sounds to me like you’re waiting around for him to realise he wants to get back together with you.
Here’s my two cents: if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you, no confusion or mixed signals. You’re not some supporting character in a questionable Christmas rom-com; you deserve better than this uncertainty.
And then there’s the sheer time and energy you’re spending on this shituation. You could be meeting the next great love of your life, building friendships, or pursuing your passions, but instead, you’re giving this finite resource away to someone who doesn’t feel the same.
So, with that in mind, here are a few thoughts that might help you find some clarity and hopefully help you take some steps forward on your healing journey:
Reflect on your feelings
Take some time to reflect on your feelings and what you truly want. Are you hooking up with your ex because you miss the emotional connection, or is it more about familiarity, comfort, or validation? Are you using sex to claw back some of the attention you crave? Understanding your motivations can be a key step in moving forward.
Communication is key
Consider having an open and honest conversation with your ex about your feelings and the current dynamic between you two. Establishing clear boundaries can help avoid additional hurt and misunderstandings, and ensure that both of you are on the same page.
Create space
It might be a good idea to create some physical and emotional space between you and your ex. This doesn't mean cutting off all contact, especially if you share mutual friends and started out as friends yourselves, but limiting the frequency of interactions can provide the breathing room needed for personal growth. And forget hooking up.
Focus on yourself
Take this time to invest in your own well-being and personal development. Pursue activities and hobbies that bring you joy and fulfillment. Rediscovering your own identity outside of the relationship can be empowering.
Lean on support
Surround yourself with friends and confide in those you trust. It's essential to have a support system that understands your situation and can offer guidance. Sometimes an outside perspective can provide valuable insights.
Finally, remember that healing takes time, and it's okay to prioritise your own happiness and mental wellbeing above all else right now. Breakups are tough, but they also present an opportunity for you to rediscover who you are and what you want out of life.
Be patient with yourself, and don't hesitate to seek professional help if needed. Oh, and don’t run after anyone who doesn’t make it clear that they want to be with you. You’re worthy.
Do you have any advice for our heartbroken friend here? Share it (or any other words of support!) in the comments.
I feel at a loss due to my lack of experience - I think my last ex was in 1996.
The fundamental issue is one of self-worth - she/he/they are worth a genuine relationship, and not just someone's convenient hook-up.