👀 Who gave you permission?
Thoughts on backing yourself.
There are some things we want in life that we don’t dare say out loud. Usually, it’s because we’re embarrassed—about how big the dream is, about the fact that you think you might have what it takes to get there, about the fact that you have the sheer audacity.
Most of this strange embarrassment, I think, comes from what we believe other people will think when they hear about our silly little ambitions. They might not even be people you know, which makes that hot-cheeked reaction even weirder.
Of course, there are things you probably should be embarrassed about, like being a Tory or one of those people who put cream in their carbonaras. But that’s not what we’re talking about here—we’re talking dreams and ambitions.
🤷🏻♀️ What the f*ck?
I’ve been writing for a really long time, but I’ve always struggled to give myself permission. Permission to take my work seriously; to follow through with a ‘stupid’ story idea; to share or publish my poetry; to write an imperfect sentence, paragraph, or manuscript; to sack the world off and spend a full day indulging in my own words.
And this newsletter is my official declaration. I’ve had it with getting in my own way. When I think about it—and boy have I been thinking—I’m the only person in my life who has ever said I couldn’t do something or didn’t take my projects ‘seriously’ enough. This brings me to the all-important question I need to ask myself: what the actual fuck?
💡 My ‘a-ha!’ moment
The other day I was off work. I’d put leave in just to get a full day of writing in and give myself a long weekend to pull me this unreasonably long month. It was glorious.
I woke up feeling fresh, and had a cup of freshly ground coffee in bed. I wrote for a couple of hours then went for a run. I had a gorgeous hot shower, got dressed, and went to continue writing for a few hours at my favourite cafe. I had a good day for writing. I felt good. I also felt like I’d love to be a full-time author if I could. Yeah, right.
And that right there, that’s it—the ‘yeah, right’ with eye roll implied. I haven’t backed myself enough. So, here I am three decades in and finally taking my fiction writing seriously.
I’ve always had confidence in my professional writing—content marketing stuff—and my editorial skills. So much confidence that I could have probably had a bit less of it early on in my 10-year career. To say I had some undue sass would be fair; though in my defence I first got into copywriting because of characters like Don Draper and Peggy Olson in Mad Men. All the sass, none of the gratuitous day drinking in the office, unfortunately.
But something about fiction seems to shake that confidence somewhat. I think it’s because I’ve read so much since I was a kid, and dissected novel after novel at university. It’s way too easy to compare the meagre lines I’ve just written to the words of an experienced author, no doubt aided by talented editors and a dedicated agent.
♥️ Please, do the thing
I definitely bigged it all up in my head, the joyful act of writing. It mutated into something lofty and mired in rituals and mystery only the chosen few knew of. If I had the right book, right course, right desk, right headphones—oh if only!—then I could finally be part of that elite group of authors.
But that’s not how it works. I know that now. So I’ll tell you this with zero shame: I want to be an honest-to-goodness author. I will publish my work in print this year.
And I’m going to back myself. I hope you do, too. Please, please be your own cheerleader—not just in your head, or by telling yourself you’re talented and that you can do it. Carve out time to let that passion breathe and grow; give yourself permission to invest time and money in the thing you want to do. Then do it, unapologetically. Talk about it, post a silly post about it online. No embarrassment necessary.
What’s something you want to make more time for? Have you ever caught yourself getting in your own way? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
Another excellent piece of writing Kelly. I would buy your books !
Completely agree on this
There’s a myth which seems especially prevalent in the north east that ‘you don’t tell yourself you’re good, other people tell you’.
That’s all fine and well if external validation is important to you but it completely shuts down the idea that a person should have internal confidence and faith in themselves - that it’s ’cringe’ or ‘arrogant’ to have goals. And if you’re surrounded by unpleasant, bitter people, how do you ever find and maintain the self-confidence to do what you love?!
So yes, being your own cheerleader is GREAT cos sometimes nobody else will do it for you - and you should trust the faith you have in yourself! Good luck with your writing goals - I’ve no doubt you’ll reach them