The thing about weddings 💒
When you're a card-carrying atheist.
I’ve been a card-carrying atheist since I was about 13 years old. This isn’t the time or newsletter to go into that particular coming of age story, but it is important to know that I am an atheist.
Another important thing to know is that growing up, I never actually saw myself getting married. I tried to picture the white dress, the church, whichever questionable boy I was dating at the time; but any image I conjured would dissipate into nothing, like when you wake up from a dream and scramble to remember the details before they fade.
And with that in mind, I’ll be marrying the absolute, undisputed, unequivocal love of my entire life in a matter of months. He is the one who made me believe in true love, and who made me want to get married. There’s no ‘casual’ way of saying that so let’s move on before I get all shy about it.
When you’re a couple of heathens fixing to get married, people (sometimes yourselves included) raise an eyebrow to ask why you’d celebrate marriage if you don’t ‘believe’. My conclusion is that there is no faith that can command ownership over love—particularly faiths that have historically tried to ban or demonise love between particular groups of people.
To me, a wedding is a celebration of love—in all its amazing forms. This includes but is not limited to:
Romantic, all-consuming, life-changing love
Familial love
The love you have as a parent for a child and vice versa
Platonic love (the love you have for your dearest friends)
Love of pizza
That last one was a joke, kind of. Because I do hope I can get pizzas served at my wedding. I could eat pizza every day. I love it, truly.
A friend of mine had a similarly secular wedding recently and you could feel the joy in the air. The love. The dancing. The laughter. The core memories being formed. And all that love and joy was made all the more beautiful to me because it was purely human and detached from any deity.
Previous boyfriends I’ve had would have tried to force me into a Roman Catholic wedding. This is, in part, because when you grow up in a place like Malta, you can’t throw a rock without hitting someone super religious. Even the secretly-agnostic boys would be too scared of upsetting mummy dearest to ditch mass one Sunday. Can you imagine the scenes should they break the news that Jesus wasn’t invited to their wedding?
And honestly, I don’t think there is such a thing as compromise here: either one of you squashes your religious beliefs, which is unfair, or one of you pretends to believe the (to you) empty words you’re saying or hearing from the priest—equally unfair. The latter, of course, never sat well with me. That kind of wedding would just make me sad; I’d carry that sadness, that lack of authenticity with me forever.
Which brings me to another point: screw tradition, do what works for you when it comes for your wedding. Being an atheist makes this a lot easier, I know, but even if you’re having a religious wedding, you need to do you. The friends and family who matter will support you, no matter what you want your day to look like.
Ultimately, you don’t “have to” do anything. In the age of the influencer, it’s hard to ignore the loud voices of Instagram and TikTok accosting you with ads and shiny, curated version of what you should want for your wedding—usually with a hefty price tag attached. I’ve seen people take out massive loans just to pay for what they’ve been told is their dream wedding. This is not right (unless it is what you want, in which case, go off sis).
You don’t have to have a white dress; you don’t have to do a ‘first look’ with your fiancé. You don’t have to do a special, choreographed first dance. You don’t have to have a sit-down meal, and you don’t have to have a stag do or hen do. You don’t have to have a big wedding—elope if you want to.
You don’t even have to get married at all if you don’t want to. 🤷🏻♀️
What do weddings mean to you? How did you make your day special? And why in the name of all that is good is it so hard to find a wedding dress that costs less than £1,000? Share in a comment.
I feel this SO MUCH and as you know, I have a lot of thoughts on weddings and the whole idea of it being an event where you can embrace doing what’s right for you - how big or small that celebration might be!
It’s so tricky when religion and culture are involved but I do love when people break tradition - HOWEVER I also absolutely love when people have fun making selected traditions their own too!
I’ve been to weddings where there’s been no after party; we went to a lush country home, got into our comfies and ate good food. I’ve also been to weddings with parties until 3am, with speeches from the Mother of the Bride, bridesmaids and bride OR no speeches at all (!), with groom’s walking down the aisle to their favourite wrestling ‘walk in’ tune, and others where the bride and groom have burst into the room together!
And every single one has been awesome - it’s been a real reflection of the couple and just about celebrating them solidifying their relationship. Like you say, how you choose to love does not matter.
While we’re on the topic, we broke a few. Both parents walked me down the aisle. We sacked off traditional readings and went for stuff from our favourite books and TV shows. And we didn’t do a first dance - we instead used our collective skills (a writer and film director / editor is a marriage made in heaven obv) to make a short film instead 😂😂 There was no way I was gonna bust my moves out in front of others like that.
I love your posts because they are so filled with so many themes so where do you start to unpack.
I am absolutely shocked to discover you are an athiest! Almost as much as you will be to discover that scarcasm is my native language.
I believe, at it's heart, marriage is about two people making a public declaration to each other. What exactly that declaration involves, and whether it has any spiritual/religious meaning behind it, will vary from couple to couple.
I knew a baptist minister once who had no problem marrying a couple who professed little or no faith, just so long as they were sincere in the promises they were making. He would then also edit the service to take out the "religious bits" which he knew they wouldn't believe, and so not make it an exercise in hypocracy.
I don't believe people should get married in a church because it is tradition or because other people expect it. If it means something then go for it, if not, then don't.
Tradition says that you shouldn't see your bride in her wedding dress until the day of the wedding. I not only saw my first wife in her wedding dress, I helped her choose because she wasn't sure and her bridesmaid was no help. And also because her cash card didn't have sufficient limit, I ended up paying the 50% deposit as well.
People should always make the day about what they want, which may mean holding to tradition, or some traditions, or being completely un-traditional.
The stress of any wedding day is enough for anyone without the burden of other people's expectations. I think Margaret can barely remember ours, it became a blur. I however can remember almost every detail (including the bridesmaid trying to talk her out of it in the car on the way to the church).