🫧 The Wash Up: Work phrases that need to die.

Please, make it stop.

The corporate world is weird. You often have to avoid saying exactly what you mean, and if you do say something like it, there’s a special code language you need to use.

It’s not ‘soz, can’t do it because I’m knackered’ but ‘apologies, I'm at capacity this week but might have some resource for this task next week if that works?’

Personally, I’m a fan of plain speaking. But if we must speak the language of water coolers and conference calls and performance reviews to pay the bills, then let us retire a few of the phrases that give us the ick. Let’s get into it.

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Consider this my petition for banning certain tired, dread-mongering phrases from the corporate world. I’ve divided this list into subcategories based on how heinous the offense is. To me, of course. There’s no actual science behind this.

❌ Absolutely not

Per my last email: Leave your passive-aggressive BS at the door.

Hit the ground running: Sounds unsafe. Why do we need to hit the ground running? Are we the Avengers? No, we’re working corporate jobs. Nothing is this important. Hit the ground gently. Get a coffee. Have a nice morning. Set reasonable deadlines.

Ping me: Please, no more pinging. Or dinging. I mean, if it can be helped, no more annoying Teams messages from people trying to skip the queue. Put an end to pinging.

We’re a family: If you see this in a job description, run. It means you’re expected to ‘go above and beyond’ for little to no reward. The work will be unnecessarily stressful, probably because someone senior is highly unqualified for the role they’re in. I said what I said.

Go above and beyond: I once worked somewhere that required ‘going beyond’ for anyone to get a shoutout or anything near a promotion. It mostly translated to ‘work late and give us your soul for a really shit salary, then we’ll give you a treat.’

☣️ Not the most awful, but gross

Pop some time in: Please don’t pop any time in. The person you are saying this to is probably sick to death of calls in this post-pandemic hellscape of unnecessary meetings people contaminate our calendars with. It could probably be an email 9 times out of 10.

Hop on a quick call: See above. This is one that also strikes fear into the body of most introverts and anyone dealing with anxiety/ADHD so for the love of all that is good don’t inflict impromptu calls on people. It’s probably not that important.

Circle back: What’s wrong with ‘revisit’ or ‘follow up’? Ew.

Go-to-market strategy: WHAT DOES IT MEAN? As someone who has worked in marketing for 10 years, it sounds like it’s the same as the regular old ‘strategy’ or ‘plan’ for launching and marketing a product. This phrase is vague and makes my left eye twitch.

Take it offline: Are you going to send me a pigeon with a handwritten note? Smash it out on a typewriter? Unless we’re meeting in the same physical space to discuss something, don’t tell me you’re taking it offline. We’re still online, just in a different chat separate from the big chat we were just in.

🟢 Acceptable (for now)

Literally none. Not a single one. Avoid them all if you can, but don’t beat yourself up if you fall into the corporate trap. It’s not your fault we have to work 40-hour weeks in a late-stage capitalist hellscape.

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What work phrases give you the ick? Share them in the comments!