The corporate world is weird. You often have to avoid saying exactly what you mean, and if you do say something like it, thereâs a special code language you need to use.
Itâs not âsoz, canât do it because Iâm knackeredâ but âapologies, I'm at capacity this week but might have some resource for this task next week if that works?â
Personally, Iâm a fan of plain speaking. But if we must speak the language of water coolers and conference calls and performance reviews to pay the bills, then let us retire a few of the phrases that give us the ick. Letâs get into it.
Consider this my petition for banning certain tired, dread-mongering phrases from the corporate world. Iâve divided this list into subcategories based on how heinous the offense is. To me, of course. Thereâs no actual science behind this.
â Absolutely not
Per my last email: Leave your passive-aggressive BS at the door.
Hit the ground running: Sounds unsafe. Why do we need to hit the ground running? Are we the Avengers? No, weâre working corporate jobs. Nothing is this important. Hit the ground gently. Get a coffee. Have a nice morning. Set reasonable deadlines.
Ping me: Please, no more pinging. Or dinging. I mean, if it can be helped, no more annoying Teams messages from people trying to skip the queue. Put an end to pinging.
Weâre a family: If you see this in a job description, run. It means youâre expected to âgo above and beyondâ for little to no reward. The work will be unnecessarily stressful, probably because someone senior is highly unqualified for the role theyâre in. I said what I said.
Go above and beyond: I once worked somewhere that required âgoing beyondâ for anyone to get a shoutout or anything near a promotion. It mostly translated to âwork late and give us your soul for a really shit salary, then weâll give you a treat.â
âŁïž Not the most awful, but gross
Pop some time in: Please donât pop any time in. The person you are saying this to is probably sick to death of calls in this post-pandemic hellscape of unnecessary meetings people contaminate our calendars with. It could probably be an email 9 times out of 10.
Hop on a quick call: See above. This is one that also strikes fear into the body of most introverts and anyone dealing with anxiety/ADHD so for the love of all that is good donât inflict impromptu calls on people. Itâs probably not that important.
Circle back: Whatâs wrong with ârevisitâ or âfollow upâ? Ew.
Go-to-market strategy: WHAT DOES IT MEAN? As someone who has worked in marketing for 10 years, it sounds like itâs the same as the regular old âstrategyâ or âplanâ for launching and marketing a product. This phrase is vague and makes my left eye twitch.
Take it offline: Are you going to send me a pigeon with a handwritten note? Smash it out on a typewriter? Unless weâre meeting in the same physical space to discuss something, donât tell me youâre taking it offline. Weâre still online, just in a different chat separate from the big chat we were just in.
đą Acceptable (for now)
Literally none. Not a single one. Avoid them all if you can, but donât beat yourself up if you fall into the corporate trap. Itâs not your fault we have to work 40-hour weeks in a late-stage capitalist hellscape.
What work phrases give you the ick? Share them in the comments!
Love this! Can I also add acronyms to this list đ
One of my least faves buzzwords for no apparent reason is also âunderpinsâ
I once worked this someone who described everything as âunderpinning/underpinnedâ. It sends me off into a spiral whenever I see it.
See also: wearing lots of hats, put on your x hat, required to wear different hats
WHY?! WHY HATS? I donât want to wear a hat. Gah. Stupid. Just say you need to have different skills - stop giving me weird visualisations of people wearing cowboy hats and bonnets (appreciate the latter is a product of my own mindâŠ)
Go beyond... still makes me shudder đ€Ł
One of my pet hates currently, though not particularly business 'speak' is getting the response '100%' after any point I make - just say YES, or I agree!
It's hard getting old, pretty much everything annoys me 100% of the time now.